It Hurts Tonight

Eh, another lonely weekend down. I ran a little, I drank a little, I slept A LOT. I’m bumming a bit tonight though. I am overwhelmed with missing my baby. I thought it'd be a good idea to open up my Mel & Shane box, the goofy pink and black zebra patterned box of nerdy treasures I keep under my bed. I go through it when I'm missing Shane more than usual. Like, the kind of missing that makes it hard to breathe normally. I read our wedding vows, I read his first couple of letters to me from Afghanistan, but it was too much to handle. I haven't cried since my first few days back from Paris and I'm not ready to break down again just yet. After a couple tears fell, I decided to put it away.

I don’t think I’ve spoken today. Seriously. It’s always weird when these days happen. Like being so alone that if I do speak, it’s to myself. Oh wait, my mom called me but I barely remember the conversation. Little did she know that by calling at 1:30pm, she was waking me up.

I ran that 5K yesterday in memory of the shooting last year. Not much to say. I ran pretty well I think though. The more I think about November 5^th, the more I want to stop my train of thought. That day was upsetting as all hell. All I can say is I feel grateful and blessed that Shane left that building when he did. Oy.

So, 68 days and counting. I know the end is near, but it doesn’t make things easier. I still worry, I still freak out, I still get more upset than I could ever begin to explain. I think tonight calls for a Jack and coke minus the coke. Sometimes it’s easier to sleep this way. Don’t worry about me, don’t judge me- I promise I am doing okay overall. Tonight I just need some help to ease my mind and that’s really all that will do the trick.

Time to knock out another week…bring it!