The Curtain Disaster

(This is the email I wrote to Shane last night. I am more calm now, so I can actually see the humor in it today. I thought it was worth sharing...)

Dear Shane,

Part of me thinks you will find the following hilarious. But another part thinks you could be mad. Well, here is what I have to say.

After buying curtains and returning curtains and buying curtains again yesterday, I wanted to get this crap over and done with tonight. I didn’t think it would be that hard, seems pretty self explanatory.

But alas, my attempt to put up curtains has been a huge disaster and I am crying.

I mapped it out. I measured. I put in one wall anchor and then the other. I put on the brackets and then attempted to screw them into the anchors. Either our walls or shitty or I’m retarded, but the brackets wouldn’t hold. Like the one nightstand, I decided shoe goo would solve everything. Negative. I try redoing the anchors and screws and brackets. It doesn’t work. I use more shoe goo. It holds long enough for me to put up the rod, which immediately comes down, taking the brackets with it and leaving cute little dime-sized holes in our wall. I freaked out, I got in my car, I drove to Lowe’s. Normally I respond “No” when someone asks me if I need help, but I told the unsuspecting Lowe’s man “Yes, lots of it” when he asked. I got spackle, I got new wall anchors. I came home, I patched up the holes. I can’t tell how good of a job I did because it’s pink but will dry white. I’m sure it will look awful because everything I’ve tried tonight has been a complete fail. I made new measurements, I tried putting up another bracket. Another hole, another fail. I fucking give up and want to die a little.

Now, I know you’re going to tell me to calm down and relax, because they’re just curtains. But the issue here is more than just curtains. And possibly never getting back our security deposit.

This disaster comes at the tail end of a year where I’ve had to do everything on my own. Most things are easy enough to handle, like grocery shopping, paying bills, getting my oil changed, etc. But getting our new place in order is proving to be more than I can handle on my own.

Your one request for our new home was a couch. I got two couches, a dresser and two nightstands, and plenty of things to make our house a home. I have wanted to go all out and jazz up our place to give you something nice to come home to. And my attempt at that has resulted in holes in the wall, curtains still on the floor, and a crying wife who feels like she sucks at life. I guess I thought after building the dresser and nightstands, I was a handy little lady, but I guess I’m just a dumb girl.

I have informed Cathy of the curtain disaster. When her boy gets back into town after the holidays, they will help me to put these bad boys up and hopefully cover my traces of idiocy.

I honestly am so upset over everything and wish I could hide under a rock for another 4 weeks.

I love you and I’m sorry that I am already ruining our new home. I just want to make it perfect in every way for you because I want to impress you. Uhhhh I am so upset.

Love,

Your wife

The Aftermath- I talked to Shane this morning. Of course he thinks I'm ridiculous and that this is not a big deal. My spackling job went okay. It is looking good...from a distance. For now my curtains are strewn across my couch and the rod is patiently waiting on the floor. I'll address the curtain project in another couple of weeks. To be continued.