I See The Light

My new favorite pastime has become going through the hundreds of letters and emails between Shane and I since he first left and seeing how much we've grown as people and as a couple. I'm actually considering making a book out of this year, but it's only in the first stages of planning.

I came across this one a little while ago, and it happens to be from exactly 9 months ago today, on January 24th:

"Hi shane I just missed a call from you and am crying. I'm at ernies and was checking my phone every second and of course missed this one. I can't call this number back its not working please check ur email soon and call me I love you and I'm in public and crying
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry"

Spastic, crazy, anxious...I know. I remember that night pretty clearly. It was the fifth night of Shane being gone. I went to this place called Ernie's here in town with friends to keep my mind off of how much I hated life. I was sitting with my friends Cathy, Rachel and Lauren and had my phone out on the table, just in case Shane called. I put my phone in my bag when I went to the bathroom. It was on vibrate and went off while it was on the floor of the bathroom. I go back to my friends, pull my phone out to put it back on the table and I see the dreaded words "missed call." I ran out of the bar crying and wrote that email.

A few hours ago, I wrote Shane my nightly email which included this:

"I have had a good mental health day. I see the light at the end of the deployment tunnel. It's not super bright, just like a little glimpse of it is all I can see, but it's there nonetheless. I've spent a lot of time thinking today about how we are just a few months from living a life without anymore interruptions. That thought baffles me, like I can't believe it sometimes. No Australia, no me living in Jersey and you in Texas, no deployment. Only me and you doing whatever our damn hearts please.

...A week from now it will be November. THAT is very exciting. I love you Shane Gardiner, hope to hear from you tomorrow."

Cool, calm, collected...I've grown up. Well, maybe not so much grown up as I've learned how to handle deployment more and more as time goes on. Today is day #277.

I'm very ready to knock out another week. And, I am going to New York City on Thursday through Sunday for Liz and Devin's wedding! I am very excited for a long weekend in my favorite city. Even more excited that my mind is in a good place and I really do see the light!