“You’re so strong, how do you do it?”

I can’t begin to count the times I’ve been asked that line. And to be honest, I don’t even know what answers I have pulled out of my ass.

When I spoke to my grandma last night for our weekly call, she went into a spiel about how strong of a kid I am- how despite being the only positive product of an ugly divorce and oftentimes battling my way through my teenage years (don’t we all?), I came out “smelling like a rose.” As far as she can see, I’ve grown up to be a tough young lady who is strong enough to handle deployment in stride, because of that “good head on my shoulders.”

I have always looked up to my grandma, a woman who has been going 7 years strong since the loss of her best friend of nearly 55 years, my grandfather. To me, that’s strength.

I don’t doubt that I am tougher than your average cookie, but I doubt that people know or understand how little strength I have sometimes, especially as of late. It’s easy to lie through my teeth and say I’m doing fine when I’m not. Or to act like I’m above seeking medication or therapy to deal with anxiety, because that’s not the case either.

To everyone who always reminds me you’re there for me, I know. And I appreciate it more than you can ever imagine. When I think back to this year, I will always remember who was there and made the effort to care. I am well aware I have the best friends I could ask for. I am sorry for not taking many of you up on the offer to "talk" as much as I should. I just shut down a lot.

After nine months now, I’m learning that I handle deployment in waves of doing okay and not-so-okay, which seems to be the norm. Lately I've been going with keeping it to myself, writing it down, or venting about it to those who are going through the same thing as me or have already done it. Many times, I don’t even do that.

Or, you could be my mom last night, who had the patience to hear me explode about every single crazy thought in my head for almost an hour and have the power to calm me down. No one else in the world could have helped me in my condition last night, so thank you for that, Mom.

For the first night in many, I feel pretty okay. I have slept off the rest of my well worth it exhaustion from ACL this weekend (recap to come soon), I got an apartment for Shane and I as of today (will begin my move in December), and I finally feel levelheaded once again. My day started off with a good conversation with Shane, which I know has helped me build my strength back up, because it was M.I.A. for a little bit there.

So how do I do it, you ask?

I make the effort to roll out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other, and then I hope for the best.

I don’t think that’s much different from anyone else.