Goodbye 2010!

Before I talk about how elated I am to be done with this shitter of a year and how close it is to Shane being home, I have a few updates since I did not post for a little while there. I swear I am trying to post more frequently, but I just make myself too busy sometimes.

-I had a lovely time home from the 24th-29th. Lovely minus the blizzard that is. The stupid amount of snow kept me from seeing my grandma which bummed me out, but Shane and I will be going home to visit everyone in February anyway.

-I am basically done getting my apartment in order. I still have the whole curtain thing to start and finish again though. Hopefully my friends will be able to assist me this weekend, since I would never attempt such a project on my own again.

-This coming Valentine's Day will be the fourth that me and Shane will have been together for. However, it will be the first that we will actually be together-together so I am looking forward to the stupid holiday for once. In honor of actually being in the same state and country this time around, we are going to go to New York City, since V Day falls when we will be on the East Coast visiting. We have also never been to the city together, so to say I am excited would be an understatement.

Okay, so moving on...Happy New Year everyone! 2010 has been the worst year of my life, but a lot of positive things have come from it as well. I have made amazing friends this year who I can't thank enough, I have learned a hell of a lot about myself and how I function under stressful situations, and my marriage has only grown stronger.

Shane's window for his arrival to Fort Hood is January 14-18 now. He will basically be on his way home in 2 weeks, so at last, the final home stretch is here. I will still be on edge until the day he leaves, because he will be doing missions until then, but knowing I can almost count the days left on two hands is a relief.

I am welcoming 2011 with open arms because I will have a husband to welcome home very soon. I am pleased to say that after almost a year of waiting, we are almost there and I couldn't be happier.

Time to ring in the new year with friends! And champagne! Cheers all around!

The Curtain Disaster

(This is the email I wrote to Shane last night. I am more calm now, so I can actually see the humor in it today. I thought it was worth sharing...)

Dear Shane,

Part of me thinks you will find the following hilarious. But another part thinks you could be mad. Well, here is what I have to say.

After buying curtains and returning curtains and buying curtains again yesterday, I wanted to get this crap over and done with tonight. I didn’t think it would be that hard, seems pretty self explanatory.

But alas, my attempt to put up curtains has been a huge disaster and I am crying.

I mapped it out. I measured. I put in one wall anchor and then the other. I put on the brackets and then attempted to screw them into the anchors. Either our walls or shitty or I’m retarded, but the brackets wouldn’t hold. Like the one nightstand, I decided shoe goo would solve everything. Negative. I try redoing the anchors and screws and brackets. It doesn’t work. I use more shoe goo. It holds long enough for me to put up the rod, which immediately comes down, taking the brackets with it and leaving cute little dime-sized holes in our wall. I freaked out, I got in my car, I drove to Lowe’s. Normally I respond “No” when someone asks me if I need help, but I told the unsuspecting Lowe’s man “Yes, lots of it” when he asked. I got spackle, I got new wall anchors. I came home, I patched up the holes. I can’t tell how good of a job I did because it’s pink but will dry white. I’m sure it will look awful because everything I’ve tried tonight has been a complete fail. I made new measurements, I tried putting up another bracket. Another hole, another fail. I fucking give up and want to die a little.

Now, I know you’re going to tell me to calm down and relax, because they’re just curtains. But the issue here is more than just curtains. And possibly never getting back our security deposit.

This disaster comes at the tail end of a year where I’ve had to do everything on my own. Most things are easy enough to handle, like grocery shopping, paying bills, getting my oil changed, etc. But getting our new place in order is proving to be more than I can handle on my own.

Your one request for our new home was a couch. I got two couches, a dresser and two nightstands, and plenty of things to make our house a home. I have wanted to go all out and jazz up our place to give you something nice to come home to. And my attempt at that has resulted in holes in the wall, curtains still on the floor, and a crying wife who feels like she sucks at life. I guess I thought after building the dresser and nightstands, I was a handy little lady, but I guess I’m just a dumb girl.

I have informed Cathy of the curtain disaster. When her boy gets back into town after the holidays, they will help me to put these bad boys up and hopefully cover my traces of idiocy.

I honestly am so upset over everything and wish I could hide under a rock for another 4 weeks.

I love you and I’m sorry that I am already ruining our new home. I just want to make it perfect in every way for you because I want to impress you. Uhhhh I am so upset.

Love,

Your wife

The Aftermath- I talked to Shane this morning. Of course he thinks I'm ridiculous and that this is not a big deal. My spackling job went okay. It is looking good...from a distance. For now my curtains are strewn across my couch and the rod is patiently waiting on the floor. I'll address the curtain project in another couple of weeks. To be continued.

The Final Month

Hi, I’m back after a week and a half hiatus of getting our new apartment in order. I’ve got all my furniture moved in and there are only little things left to do. I’ll post pictures when I’m totally done, I promise. So far, I am extremely proud and excited that I actually live here (in this apartment, not this town), and that I will have a husband to share it with in less than a month.

So, I received an email from Shane’s battalion a few days ago informing me that the window of time his unit will return to Fort Hood is between January 15-19. So, no more than a month to go. There are plenty of rumors flying around about what day they leave Kandahar and when they will return to Hood, but I’m just going by the 19th for now.

I figure time will go by fast until January actually hits. I am going home to Jersey on Friday, after debating whether or not I should go or stay for Christmas. The flight was insanely pricey, but I really need a dose of Mom and Dad. After awhile, I become numb to the fact that I live far away from all of my family, but every now and then the homesick feeling comes along and it hurts like a bitch. I had one of those moments and decided I needed to be home for Christmas. I’m okay about missing Thanksgiving, but the holiday time always makes me want to be home. And if I can’t have Shane, at least I can have our home state.

I guess I should acknowledge the fact that I turned 24 today. I celebrated over dinner with friends last night, so today has felt like an ordinary day. I went shopping, I ran errands, and I started putting up curtains in the living room. Pretty thrilling, I know. My day did begin with a Skype session with Shane though, after not being able to video chat with him in roughly 2 months since his computer crashed. So, that was a lovely start to my day. It obviously hasn’t been the happiest of birthdays, but I’m grateful to my friends and family for all of the extra support.

Because I can’t say the tentative date Shane leaves Afghanistan, I will say that it is more or less 25 days away. 25! I feel like I was just writing the post about it being 100! So, 3 weeks and change until my heart and mind can finally chill out. Woohoo!

A Dozen Moves in Five Years

On my drive home from my latest carload drop-off at the new place, I went through all of the times I have moved in the past few years and realized- it's been a whole freakin' lot.

Let's start with August 2005. Melanie goes to college. I live in Clothier Hall until May 2006 and then move home to East Windsor. In August 2006, I move into Hardenberg Hall until May 2007. Again, I am forced to move home because I had ACL reconstruction that summer. As soon as I can walk again that July, I'm out again and into a house on Senior Street. In May 2008, I move out and into a room that might as well have been a closet in the girls' rugby house. I lived out of a suitcase and had a twin mattress on the floor. Two months later, I packed as much as I could fit into two suitcases and went to Australia for five months. This was the part of my life where I needed to get away from everything and everyone and go as far away as possible. So I did. I came home from Australia in December 2008. I moved back into the girls' rugby house, living on a couch for the first month. In January 2009 I moved back into the same closet of a room. In May I moved to Hale Street with a couple of friends. Two months later I decided I was packing up everything I could fit into my car and to drive 1500 miles to Texas in the name of love. I lived in an apartment in Killeen with Shane and his friend Nick, until Nick got booted from the Army that November. Shane got his deployment orders, I decided I'd stay in Texas, and I moved to another apartment in Killeen with a friend in January 2010 right before Shane left for Afghanistan. On top of all that, two years ago my family moved from my childhood home to weirdo Pennsylvania.

Which brings me to now. Moving once again. If I counted correctly, that makes this the 12th move I have made in the past five years. I think that is more than average for your everyday twenty-something year old. This time though, I am moving for two to a place I will be for the next year- the longest I will have been anywhere in the past half a decade. I am more than ready and beyond excited for Shane to get back and for us to live out our cute little life in our cute little apartment.

I have everything almost done. In the past four days, I've taken care of moving everything but my bed (happening Saturday!), setting up a delivery date for my living room (Sunday!), taking care of switching over my cable, getting electric, renter's insurance, and buying lots of stuff we need. This is the part where I wish I was a married lady who actually had a bridal registry, because quite frankly, this shit's expensive. Oh, which brings me to my final point. This 12th and final move for at least the next year has been done without the financial help of anyone- we Gardiners are strongly and proudly standing on our own two (four?) feet and that makes me happy.

Oy vey. Must. Get. Sleep.

Updates Updates Updates

Hello! Sorry I have let an entire week slip by!

I officially got the key to my new apartment yesterday, so I have been on a packing/cleaning/organizing frenzy the past few days. There is still so much to do, but I expect to be all moved in by the weekend's end! My roommate (aka "Wife") has asked her brother to help me out with moving my bed on Saturday, so that's the last big thing. Now just waiting on my living room furniture to arrive. I also just ordered bedroom furniture today. Everything is coming together and alas, it finally feels close until Shane comes home! 37 days until he leaves Afghanistan (tentatively), up to another week for him to make it home, but shit- that is nothing! I'll be pretty preoccupied with putting our place together the next month anyway. As of right now, there are just piles of crap everywhere and I have lots to accomplish. Moving updates to come. Pictures too!

So, remember a couple of weeks ago when I went to that Social D show and mentioned my love for that English acoustic folk-punk guy Frank Turner? Well, I got to interview him today for Define The Meaning. I hadn't been that nervous for an interview in a very long time. I escaped from work for 20 minutes to call Frank from my car to do the interview...seriously. Not the first time I conducted an interview in my car. I think it was July that I talked to Dave Lombardo of Slayer in my banana car too. Oh man, interviewing rock stars in my ridiculous yellow car keeps life interesting for sure. Ah but yes, Frank's eloquent English accent had me dying a little. The story will be up tomorrow, so I will provide a link!

So, moving the rest of the week and getting it all together over the next month is going to consume me but I wouldn't have it any other way! Shane will be home soon! I'm sorry in advance to family and friends for being MIA for some time. I even missed my usual phone date with my grandma today I've been so crazy :-( Sorry Mommom!

In totally awesome news, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is in town here in Central Texas, building a home for a soldier named Patrick Ziegler wounded in the Nov. 5th shooting last year. I have been following the blog of the soldier's fiance, Jessica Hansen, for the past few months, and found out they were selected by the show yesterday. You can check out Jessica's blog under my profile. It's the one called "Turning Tragedy Into a Love Story." I am so excited for this soldier and his fiance. The couple is returning to see their new home on Sunday afternoon, and I plan on making the 15 minute drive down to check it out! And undoubtedly cry like a baby. That show has always made me cry. But, being able to see it in person, and the fact that it's for a soldier impacted by the Fort Hood shooting is going to make me need a whole box of tissues. Ah! So happy about this, it's awesome.

Okay must get sleep! I am running on empty and have to be up extra early tomorrow to drop off more things at my new place before work!

15 minutes until it's 36 days :-)

November Blue

I'm not sure when it happened, but I fell in love with The Avett Brothers sometime this year. Now, to all my Jersey friends, this is not Texas getting the best of me and turning me into a country girl- I argue that these guys aren't even country, but more on the folk/bluegrass scale. Shane makes fun of me for loving this song (His argument: "Mel, they're singing in the country. It's a country song."), but whatever, it has made November fly by for me. I absolutely love it. And in celebration of this being the last day of November, I present you with "November Blue."

I am also absolutely ready for December...only six hours away, woohoo!

Next stop...the month Shane comes home! DAHHHH!

Happy Anniversary...To Me!

This time a year ago, Shane and I became Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. It was a gorgeous day in Austin, and we looked pretty gorgeous ourselves.


...Am I right?

Well, with Shane obviously being in a warzone for our first wedding anniversary, it hasn't been the best of days, but it is still reason to be happy and celebrate. Being apart for most of our first year as husband and wife has been difficult, but we've only grown stronger through it all. And hey, if we could make this marriage thing work from 8,000 miles apart, I think it's safe to say that we are set for life.

I personally acknowledged my first year as Mrs. Gardiner by adding onto my flower tattoo with a rose and forget-me-nots, based on ones I had taken pictures of in Monaco on R&R. The piece took four hours which at some points made me want to take my own life, but alas, it is complete! It was tough to get a good picture because it wraps around, but I did the best I could. It has a lot of healing to do, but should blend well with my lily when it is done peeling.


And, even cuter to add to my first year as Mrs. Gardiner was waking up to the UPS man at 9:15 am yesterday with a delivery of 3 dozen red roses from Shane. It was a day of flowers for this Gardiner!


So, here's to our first year down, and a lifetime to go!

Things to be Thankful For

This Thanksgiving has obviously been a bittersweet one, with the double whammy of being away from home (for the 3rd year in a row) and with Shane being at war. Lucky for me, I have made amazing friends in Texas and was in good company today.

I'll admit, I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up this morning only to continue my pity party. I was hit with the biggest wave of homesickness I've had in a very long time and just couldn't help but cry. I talked to Shane in the midst of my sobbing and the tears stopped. When we hung up, I dragged my ass out of bed and went running. I immediately felt better.

I thought about the things I do have to be thankful for, and the list goes on and on. Above and beyond all things is the fact that Shane is okay. More than ten months into war, and Shane has nothing but strength and optimism to show for it. I am thankful/grateful/blessed that my husband is okay.

I am thankful for the most supportive family and friends in the world. My family, Shane's family, my friends, his friends and our friends have been incredible and there for me from the start of deployment.

I am thankful for the friends I have made in Texas. I credit four individuals in particular for helping more than they will ever know or understand in getting through this year.

I am thankful for music and its job in continuing to maintain my sanity. There is a song for every day good or bad, and it is always there when people are not. I have always found comfort in music, and this year I have relied on it more heavily than ever before.

I'm thankful for the obvious things like my health and the roof over my head.

I am thankful for having an incredible husband who has helped lessen the burden of deployment by being as sweet and supportive as he can be from 8,000 miles away.

But like I said, I am most thankful for whatever higher power in the world has been keeping Shane safe and ensuring his return home.

50 days and counting, by the way.

Hello, Adulthood!

There are a few things that I would consider milestones in the whole entering into adulthood thing. Marriage is one of them. Paying all of my own bills is another. My next big step will be happening in just a few days...buying big girl furniture!

My days of dorm room decor are officially over, and I couldn't be happier. I am so excited about my project of furnishing our new apartment, it's a little ridiculous. I made a list of all the things we need (ahem, I want) and made a whole budget and everything. It's a bummer Shane isn't here to pick out things with me, but I much rather have a place all set up for him to come home to than not. Needless to say, he trusts my taste and has left all of the decisions to me. And why shouldn't he? I'm a classy lady.

The big move will begin in two weeks, so I decided it was about time I started to actually look for things. In my first hour of searching (first online and then booked it to the store to see the set in real life), I am pretty sure I have a 5-piece living room picked out! Here is a picture of the couch. I am open to opinions!


The sweet part is the price. I managed to find a 5-piece set for far less than I was even budgeting. Hooray! (In my head that means more money to put toward clothes...) I will hopefully put in my order in a few days. Just need Shane to look and give him a chance to object :-P

Now I just have some bedroom furniture, bar stools, and other random crap to worry about, but I've got time.

I can't decide if it's allergies or an actual cold that's been getting the best of me, but sleep seems like the best option right now. Ready to get through another week- so happy it will be a short one thanks to Turkey Day!

Keeping Busy!

I know, I know- we're almost there. But it doesn't make the days easier. 2 months is close, but still far enough to make it suck. I have been a very optimistic Melanie though!

I have lots to keep me busy during the final countdown! Like, every weekend from here on out is booked I think. This weekend I will start my search for furniture, as well as finish up my final carepack of the year for Shane. Then it's Thanksgiving weekend and my tattoo, a weekend of packing before I begin moving on the 6th, and then moving, moving, moving and my birthday weekend! Then hopefully/probably coming home for a few days around Christmas, back to Texas, another couple weeks of perfecting the new Gardiner abode, and then BOOM! Deployment ends.

So, I went to a Social Distortion show last night. A.M.A.Z.I.N.I.G. Mr. Ness and company had Stubb's rocking for a good hour and a half. Before they took the stage, I got to see Frank Turner, an English singer-songwriter I have been listening to for awhile. My friend Cathy and I were more excited for Frank than Social D, since he has become a pretty big rockstar in our worlds these past few months. Which is probably why meeting him last night at his merch booth was as exciting as it was awkward. Ah, good times. Another moment to add to my collection of adventures in being a teenybopper.

I talked to Shane a decent amount this week. He is being a little optimistic champ, as usual. I give him more and more credit every time we talk because he continues to be the same sweetheart he was when he left. War ain't got nothing on my husband! On a serious note though, 10 months into deployment, signs of PTSD are apparent in a number of soldiers over there with him. I don't know what Shane is made out of, but whatever it is, it's truly incredible. He is the most amazing man I know.

Before I continue my nerdy ramble, time to start the weekend! Hope everyone has a good one!

9 weeks...

The past week has honestly been a blur. One more week closer to this shitter of a year being done with though. And we are down to…9 weeks! The single digit countdown of weeks is here!

So on Monday I attended an FRG meeting about redeployment. I thought maybe, just maybe, it would be semi-informative and I’d learn something.

(Note: FRG = Family Readiness Group. Basically it’s the group that runs meetings for spouses to let us know info regarding our soldiers.)

I was warned about FRGs awhile back, hearing that it’s a lot of bullshit, becomes very political and many of the wives tend to wear their husbands’ rank. I hadn’t gone to a meeting since May, but figured this one might be worth it. Nope. Nothing new. Shane will be home sometime late January. Well, no shit. For fear of the wrong people potentially reading this I can’t say all I would like, but I will say the following-

As time goes on, I have less and less patience for “Army wives.” I think I have a whole post on its way regarding that topic though. “Army Wives: the Fort Hood Edition.” Coming to a blog near you soon.

Okay what else. My week was a bit of a bummer for many reasons. But, being I’m married to the cutest man alive, I received a bouquet of sunflowers yesterday to “brighten” my day. What a guy, I know. :-)

I went to Austin last night for a much needed evening out. Literally all of my good Texas friends were in Austin, so it was a good time all around, minus the part where two friends and I were almost assaulted by a couple of crazies while trying to get a cab. Good times!

I will be moving in 3 weeks to my new apartment. I am getting excited! Oh, and I will be adding onto my flower tattoo in 2 weeks, on the day before my one year anniversary! Soon after that it will be December and I’ll be able to say “Shane will be home next month!” Ah can’t wait.

I’m pretty spastic (clearly) and in need of sleep right about now. Until next time…

It Hurts Tonight

Eh, another lonely weekend down. I ran a little, I drank a little, I slept A LOT. I’m bumming a bit tonight though. I am overwhelmed with missing my baby. I thought it'd be a good idea to open up my Mel & Shane box, the goofy pink and black zebra patterned box of nerdy treasures I keep under my bed. I go through it when I'm missing Shane more than usual. Like, the kind of missing that makes it hard to breathe normally. I read our wedding vows, I read his first couple of letters to me from Afghanistan, but it was too much to handle. I haven't cried since my first few days back from Paris and I'm not ready to break down again just yet. After a couple tears fell, I decided to put it away.

I don’t think I’ve spoken today. Seriously. It’s always weird when these days happen. Like being so alone that if I do speak, it’s to myself. Oh wait, my mom called me but I barely remember the conversation. Little did she know that by calling at 1:30pm, she was waking me up.

I ran that 5K yesterday in memory of the shooting last year. Not much to say. I ran pretty well I think though. The more I think about November 5^th, the more I want to stop my train of thought. That day was upsetting as all hell. All I can say is I feel grateful and blessed that Shane left that building when he did. Oy.

So, 68 days and counting. I know the end is near, but it doesn’t make things easier. I still worry, I still freak out, I still get more upset than I could ever begin to explain. I think tonight calls for a Jack and coke minus the coke. Sometimes it’s easier to sleep this way. Don’t worry about me, don’t judge me- I promise I am doing okay overall. Tonight I just need some help to ease my mind and that’s really all that will do the trick.

Time to knock out another week…bring it!

The Week in Review

After the Fallon wedding extravaganza, an awesome weekend in Manhattan, and seeing Mumford & Sons, this week flew by entirely way too fast. I mean, I guess that’s a good thing. We’re down to 10 weeks until Shane is on his way home to me!

So, from the rehearsal dinner at an awesome Greek restaurant to getting brunch with the newlyweds on Sunday before catching my flight, seeing Liz and Devin get hitched after nine years of dating was incredible. Yes, they started dating when it was still acceptable to like the Backstreet Boys. Liz and I would know; we saw them together many moons ago.

Liz and I have known each other since middle school, but became really close when we both wrote for Hightstown High School’s award-winning newspaper, The Ram Page. As co editors-in-chief our senior year, we were the coolest kids in school. Not just anyone could get a permanent hall pass and drive to Princeton to pick up the paper from the press and eat pancakes during school hours. Jealous? You should be. I should also note we both drove (and still drive) yellow cars. Definition of awesome, right there.

Anyway, Liz is the first of my friends to be a married lady. I made the corny joke that we went from being eds-in-chief to weds-in-chief. Yep, seriously. Here we are, all grown up:

And, they're so damn cute, Mr. and Mrs. Fallon get a picture too!

So, the rest of my weekend was awesome as well. After shaking off a hangover courtesy of the open bar at the wedding, I met up with my Mom’s family Saturday afternoon for lunch at a Malaysian restaurant. We spent the afternoon exploring Central Park and Brooklyn, and then I went out Saturday night with my cousin Mike and friend Rachel.

When leaving our last bar of the night, I kid you not, I walked passed the dude who plays Benjamin Linus in LOST. Yes, the city was filled with people in costumes, but this was the real-live Ben. I smiled, he smiled back, giving me the look of “I know you know who I am.” Exciting!

Sunday I was hesitant to get on my plane back to Texas. Thanks to a handful of good friends I have here, I ultimately decided it’d be dumb to miss my flight. It was just so nice being in New York, that the very thought of Killeen made me want to die a little. But only 10 more weeks to go on my own here isn’t so bad I guess.

Well, I could probably dedicate an entire post to last night’s Mumford & Sons show at Stubb’s, because it really was THAT amazing. But I'll just make this a long and random post. Here's a little background on my love for these guys. Two and a half years ago, I went to see Laura Marling at the Mercury Lounge to review the show for my internship at The Aquarian. This was at the time in my life where I started to love the indie folk/acoustic genre scene. British accents were a plus.

I was blown away by the band that opened for Marling- this little-known band called Mumford & Sons. They also served as Marling’s backing band. Until their first full-length dropped at the beginning of this year, I often went to the band’s MySpace page, just to listen to a couple of the songs I remembered from that night.

So when tickets went on sale for an Austin show, my friend Cathy was on it and got a pair of tickets asap. Mumford & Sons sold out every show on their current headlining tour of the States, and it’s no wonder why. This band is amazing. They have put out my favorite album of the entire year (Yes, I think it may even beat Gaslight’s American Slang but it’s up for debate) and it has helped keep me company more than any other album all deployment.

I rank last night’s show somewhere in my Top 10 shows ever- seriously. I found a video of "The Cave" from last night at Stubb's, which is one of Austin's renowned venues (Also where I saw Regina Spektor the night Shane proposed!). The quality isn’t that awesome, but you can get a sense of why it was one of those shows you continue to think about for days to come. Check it out below!

I’ll wrap up this crazy long post by noting that it is the anniversary of the Fort Hood shooting. Most of you reading this know it was Shane’s unit who was hit the hardest, and that a couple of his friends were victims of the tragedy. I had a whole post in mind to dedicate to the anniversary, but I can’t handle it right now. I’m running a 5K on Saturday in memory of those killed and wounded, and Fort Hood will have events going on all day long. Maybe I’ll find the right words to say sometime over the weekend, if at all.

Also, thanks for all of the support and to those of you who continue to follow this blog! :-)

NYC, Here I Come!

I am off to New York City tomorrow at 6am. Yes! I should probably be sleeping now before waking up at 4am, but I am hoping Shane calls me tonight. We haven't spoken as much as usual the past few days, so I am in need of a good talk.

I've been doing well and am pumped to spend the next 4 days and 3 nights in the Big Apple. I have my first bridesmaid gig, my Mom's family is coming in to see me on Saturday and Saturday night I will see friends. I am also planning to spend some quality time at H&M on Sunday. Oh, what's that? It's Halloween? Whatever. Trick or treat, I want clothes from my favorite store. (There are no H&Ms in all of Texas)

Brace yourself for pictures galore next week! I haven't had the chance to dress all fancy since...my wedding day? Yeah. And wow, come to think of it, it's only 1 month and 1 day until our 1 year anniversary. Exciting!

I'll be back after my weekend of Manhattan madness. See you tomorrow, East Coast.

Cheers!

I See The Light

My new favorite pastime has become going through the hundreds of letters and emails between Shane and I since he first left and seeing how much we've grown as people and as a couple. I'm actually considering making a book out of this year, but it's only in the first stages of planning.

I came across this one a little while ago, and it happens to be from exactly 9 months ago today, on January 24th:

"Hi shane I just missed a call from you and am crying. I'm at ernies and was checking my phone every second and of course missed this one. I can't call this number back its not working please check ur email soon and call me I love you and I'm in public and crying
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry"

Spastic, crazy, anxious...I know. I remember that night pretty clearly. It was the fifth night of Shane being gone. I went to this place called Ernie's here in town with friends to keep my mind off of how much I hated life. I was sitting with my friends Cathy, Rachel and Lauren and had my phone out on the table, just in case Shane called. I put my phone in my bag when I went to the bathroom. It was on vibrate and went off while it was on the floor of the bathroom. I go back to my friends, pull my phone out to put it back on the table and I see the dreaded words "missed call." I ran out of the bar crying and wrote that email.

A few hours ago, I wrote Shane my nightly email which included this:

"I have had a good mental health day. I see the light at the end of the deployment tunnel. It's not super bright, just like a little glimpse of it is all I can see, but it's there nonetheless. I've spent a lot of time thinking today about how we are just a few months from living a life without anymore interruptions. That thought baffles me, like I can't believe it sometimes. No Australia, no me living in Jersey and you in Texas, no deployment. Only me and you doing whatever our damn hearts please.

...A week from now it will be November. THAT is very exciting. I love you Shane Gardiner, hope to hear from you tomorrow."

Cool, calm, collected...I've grown up. Well, maybe not so much grown up as I've learned how to handle deployment more and more as time goes on. Today is day #277.

I'm very ready to knock out another week. And, I am going to New York City on Thursday through Sunday for Liz and Devin's wedding! I am very excited for a long weekend in my favorite city. Even more excited that my mind is in a good place and I really do see the light!

The Hood

A look at some recent news stories in Killeen, Texas in the past month…

Last Friday, a man was shot and killed around the corner from my apartment.

On Monday, an 11 year-old girl was kidnapped and assaulted on her way to school.

A couple of weeks ago, a 17 year-old high school girl was shot and killed.

A week or so before that, 4 soldiers committed suicide here at Fort Hood. One took his wife’s life too.

Killeen, home to Fort Hood, should really just be called “The Hood.”

I knew Killeen was bad when I moved to Texas a little over a year ago, but in recent weeks, it’s been extra awful. And, with the one year anniversary of the Fort Hood shooting in a couple of weeks, I’m especially bothered by this place. Not to mention the gunshots I hear outside my window every so often.

It occurred to me just how shitty of a town Killeen actually is a few months ago when my stepmom was telling me about a murder that happened in her town of Monroe, NJ. She said the community was horrified and how something like that was just unheard of. My town of East Windsor, NJ was pretty much the same. Murder doesn’t happen in normal suburbia America.

In Killeen, crime is raging. Working at the Fort Hood Sentinel, we get press releases straight away to let us know about all of the crap that goes on. Bank robberies, house burglaries, shootings, stabbings and cold murder happen a little too often. There was also the case that happened yesterday in a nearby town where a 67 year-old man exposed himself to a bunch of children in a McDonald’s playpen. I kid you not.

Am I scared? No, not really. Mom, Dad, do you need to worry? No, you don’t. I’m not an idiot, and I avoid shady situations at all costs. If it makes you feel better, I sleep with a knife and a taser behind my bed. AND Shane will be on his way back to me in 85 days and can beat up any and all bad guys.

Needless to say, I’m excited to leave Killeen when that day finally happens, because this place blows. In the meantime, I’m looking forward to moving to a new apartment on the other side of town in just 6 weeks. From what it seems like, it’s a little less “hood” over there.

Back on Track

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." ~Carlos Castaneda

I came across this quote last night, and really loved it. It definitely inspired me to make the rest of my weekend better than yesterday afternoon. A two hour call from Shane yesterday evening really jump-started my change in attitude though.

After laying in bed and hating life for most of yesterday, I got up and snapped the hell out of it. I told myself "he'll call when he calls" and decided to get my ass out of bed and do something. This past week, I bought the components for my Halloween care package to Shane and his platoon. I did something similar for Valentine's Day, where I made up a bunch of little bags of goodies for the 30 or so guys. If this is any indication of the sort of mom I'm going to be, then I'm going to be a very cute and nerdy one.

So, I took about an hour putting together 29 Halloween bags, and then a special separate thing with more candy in it than the rest for Shane. I took pictures, but Shane reads my blog and I don't want him to see! The package came out really well; I'd say it's one of my best efforts all year.

Shane and I had our longest phone conversation since R&R ended, and it was awesome. We reminded each other of just how little time we really have left of this stupid deployment. I went to sleep a much happier Melanie, to say the least.

Today started with another call from Shane, and the rest was productive, productive, productive. I gave my room a much needed cleaning, did laundry, bought groceries, bought shoes for Liz's wedding in two weeks, and went running.

I've been slacking in my working out ever since I got back from Paris, and I decided tonight that I need to get back on my game. I go to rugby practice twice a week, but I'm always happier when I'm running daily or almost daily and that hasn't been happening. I went to my favorite little place to run on Fort Hood, on the track outside the III Corps building. I vowed to myself to make it routine once again.

Well, time to start another week. I think it's about 12 more weeks until Shane comes home? Not too shabby I guess. I think this funk has finally ended and I am getting back on track...literally.

Sigh...

I can’t remember the last time I had a weekend to myself to truly chill out and do nothing.

Sounds nice, right? Wrong.

I thrive and kick deployment in the face when I am keeping busy, and for the past however many months, I’ve been all over the place, with a set plan for every weekend. I am usually a champ at distracting myself enough to make the days go by faster. But this weekend, I am at a loss.

I am losing my mind and it’s only Saturday. I just got back from a night out in Austin with friends, and now I am alone and bored and sad. Thing is, I don’t actually want to do anything. Lying in bed, listening to music, and ignoring everyone’s phone calls until I get one from Shane is my plan for the time being. No offense to everyone, I’m just waiting to hear from Shane and can’t focus on any other conversation until the one I need to have happens.

It just hurts pretty badly right now. I miss Shane more than I can even make words convey, so I won’t bother trying.

The worst part is, there is nothing I can do when it feels like this, other then look at the clock every so often to remind myself that time continues to push on, no matter what. That’s really all I can find comfort in right now.

Are we there yet?

“You’re so strong, how do you do it?”

I can’t begin to count the times I’ve been asked that line. And to be honest, I don’t even know what answers I have pulled out of my ass.

When I spoke to my grandma last night for our weekly call, she went into a spiel about how strong of a kid I am- how despite being the only positive product of an ugly divorce and oftentimes battling my way through my teenage years (don’t we all?), I came out “smelling like a rose.” As far as she can see, I’ve grown up to be a tough young lady who is strong enough to handle deployment in stride, because of that “good head on my shoulders.”

I have always looked up to my grandma, a woman who has been going 7 years strong since the loss of her best friend of nearly 55 years, my grandfather. To me, that’s strength.

I don’t doubt that I am tougher than your average cookie, but I doubt that people know or understand how little strength I have sometimes, especially as of late. It’s easy to lie through my teeth and say I’m doing fine when I’m not. Or to act like I’m above seeking medication or therapy to deal with anxiety, because that’s not the case either.

To everyone who always reminds me you’re there for me, I know. And I appreciate it more than you can ever imagine. When I think back to this year, I will always remember who was there and made the effort to care. I am well aware I have the best friends I could ask for. I am sorry for not taking many of you up on the offer to "talk" as much as I should. I just shut down a lot.

After nine months now, I’m learning that I handle deployment in waves of doing okay and not-so-okay, which seems to be the norm. Lately I've been going with keeping it to myself, writing it down, or venting about it to those who are going through the same thing as me or have already done it. Many times, I don’t even do that.

Or, you could be my mom last night, who had the patience to hear me explode about every single crazy thought in my head for almost an hour and have the power to calm me down. No one else in the world could have helped me in my condition last night, so thank you for that, Mom.

For the first night in many, I feel pretty okay. I have slept off the rest of my well worth it exhaustion from ACL this weekend (recap to come soon), I got an apartment for Shane and I as of today (will begin my move in December), and I finally feel levelheaded once again. My day started off with a good conversation with Shane, which I know has helped me build my strength back up, because it was M.I.A. for a little bit there.

So how do I do it, you ask?

I make the effort to roll out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other, and then I hope for the best.

I don’t think that’s much different from anyone else.

99 Days

Yep, that's right ladies and gentlemen. We have reached the double digit landmark until the supposed January 14th date that Shane gets to leave Afghanistan. Let's hope it stays that way...or gets pushed up!

Let the new countdown begin.

I have been keeping to my normal busy life, and time is continuing to pass at a decent pace. I started to lose my mind a little last week, but am back on my game now. I think I'm over my little pity party of having to come back down to the reality of being back in Killeen without Shane, and I'm back into a routine.

I also have things to look forward to now. I have started to check out apartments for Shane and I, which is super exciting. And, thanks to Craigslist, I also nabbed a ticket to Austin City Limits this Saturday with Cathy, which I am way excited about. The Gaslight Anthem, Matt and Kim, The Very Best, M.I.A., Temper Trap...lots of good acts to see, and the weather should be perfect. (80 and sunny!)

I wrote a long nerdy email to Shane last night about how much The Gaslight Anthem means to me (as most of you know, and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it) and I will probably end up posting that soon. I just need to edit out the ultra-nerd parts.

In other concert news, I got tickets to see Lady Gaga...the show isn't until April 6, 2011 (Shane will have been home for 3 months by then!) but I am happy about it. And no, Shane will not be going. When I asked he said, "Are you kidding me?!?" His loss.

That's all for now. I'm hoping Shane calls before I go to work, so I am going to bed to sleep off the hours I have to wait!

Only 99 more days to go. Whew. We got this.

CNN Story on Shane's Unit

Just found a story on the 20th Engineering Battalion on CNN. I copied the story below, and you can check out the video here-

http://afghanistan.blogs.cnn.com/2010/10/05/fort-hood-survivor-fighting-war-in-afghanistan/

After completing a seven day mission, a bomb-hunting patrol rolls into Kandahar air base in a cloud of billowing dust.

Among the road-weary American troops peeling off body armor and sweaty helmets is a 21-year-old soldier from New Jersey named Alan Carroll.

He hops out of the turret of an armored vehicle carrying a heavy 50-caliber machine gun, and then begins loading flak jackets and rucksacks into the back of an open truck.

The young man moves with speed, strength and enthusiasm, something you wouldn’t expect from someone who survived four bullet wounds in a single day less than a year ago.

“I’m trying this year not to go to hospitals,” Spc. Carroll says, while cleaning his guns back at his tent later in the day.

Carroll wasn't wounded on the battlefields of Afghanistan. He survived the November 5 shooting rampage at the U.S. military base in Fort Hood, Texas.

A lone gunman opened fire in a processing center, where troops were getting medical clearance before deploying to Afghanistan and Iraq.

Alan Carroll returned to combat in Afghanistan three months after he was shot at Fort Hood last year

“At first I really thought it was a joke,” Carroll recalls. “Then I got hit here,” he says, pointing at his left arm, “and I was like, 'Holy crap! What the hell was that?' I still couldn’t believe it was actual live rounds.”

The room filled with smoke. Carroll says he tried to carry Pfc. Aaron Nemelka, a friend and fellow soldier who had been shot in the neck, out to safety.

“That’s when he shot me in the back,” Carroll says. “I was holding my back and trying not to scream and playing dead at the same time.”

Several agonizing moments later, Carroll made another attempt to carry his friend out of the blood-soaked room. That is when he came face-to-face with the suspected shooter, U.S. Army Maj. Nidal Hassan.

“Me and him just looked at each other,” Carroll says. “And the only thing I could think is ... ‘Dammit, I’m dead,’” Carroll says. “And he fired off two shots, and I heard one go past my ear and the other one hit me in the leg. Dropped me back down on the floor.”

When the smoke finally cleared, 13 people were dead, including Nemelka and two other soldiers from Carroll’s company. Carroll was one of at least 20 who were wounded.

Later, as he recovered in the hospital, friends and family say Carroll’s first priority was Afghanistan.

“His first question was, ‘Is this going to stop me from deployment?’” says Sgt. 1st Class Gerald “Woody” Wilson, one of the commanders of Carroll’s platoon.

“My mom’s sitting there and begging me to take [medical discharge], my brother’s begging me to take it,” Carroll recalls. “I said I’m not taking medical discharge. I’m deploying.”

Three months later, Carroll arrived in Afghanistan along with the rest of his unit with a clean bill of health.

“He did physical therapy,” Wilson says. “He was worried about staying behind.”

Carroll’s mother, Teresa Scholte, describes her son growing up as an “adrenaline junkie” with a “bull-headed” determination to succeed.

“When he was in school he was short and very thin,” says Scholte, who works as a receptionist in New Jersey. “That is what led him to take on this personality of ‘nobody’s going to mess with me and tell me what to do.’”

Today, the 20th Engineering Battalion operates in southern Afghanistan hunting for roadside bombs, the deadliest threat to U.S. troops in this country.

According to the commander’s statistics, since February 2, the battalion has had a 66 percent success rate in clearing the bombs. Slow-moving convoys of heavily armored vehicles have successfully discovered and defused 209 improvised explosive devices, but they have also been hit by no less then 129 roadside bombs. In eight months, 13 combat engineers have been killed by Taliban ambushes and explosive booby traps.

Photos of three soldiers killed in the November 5, 2009, Fort Hood shooting decorate the entrance of their company headquarters in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Route clearance is dangerous work. And for the first six months of the tour, Carroll has been at the very front driving a Husky: the one-man, bomb-sniffing armored vehicle that one sergeant nick-named “the Coffin.”

“It’s the worst job,” Wilson says. “One, you’re by yourself. Two, you’re in the lead. And three, you’re usually the one who gets hit first. You’ve gotta be brave to drive the Husky.”

All but one of the vehicles in Wilson’s platoon have struck IEDs, including Carroll’s Husky.

“I had one hit underneath my truck. But it really wasn't that significant. Still scared the crap outta me,” Carroll says. He emerged from the explosion unscathed.

But last August, tragedy struck Carroll’s platoon when an insurgent fired a single round from a recoilless rifle at the turret of Wilson’s vehicle.

The attack killed the gunner, Spc Alexis Maldenado. Today, members of Maldenado’s company wear an engraved bracelet with their slain comrade’s name on it.

“It was probably the worst day of my life, the day he passed away,” Carroll says.

Meanwhile, the memory of the Fort Hood shooting is never far away. The portraits of three soldiers killed at Fort Hood hang in the entrance of Carroll’s company headquarters.

Soldiers from the 20th Engineering Battalion have received hours of counseling and therapy since the Fort Hood shooting. Their officers say they keep a close eye on the troops in the wake of more recent casualties.

But the true test of the combat engineers' emotional and mental health will come after their tour is finished, warns Lt. David Judson, one of the officers in the company. That's when they'll be back in the United States without the support of their fellow comrades-in-arms.

Like many of his fellow soldiers, Carroll was in 7th grade on the day the planes struck the World Trade Center. Nine years ago, he says he was waiting for the school bus when he learned about the September 11 terror attacks.

A lot has changed since then. Carroll is still relatively short, carrying weapons that sometimes seem almost as tall as he is. But he also has the bulging muscles of a man who spends long hours in the gym. And he has the enduring respect of his colleagues and superiors, some of whom have nicknamed him “National Treasure.”

“I wish I had more Carrolls,” says Wilson, Carroll's platoon sergeant.

Teresa Scholte, however, is worried about her son’s long term recovery from the Fort Hood shootings.

“That is weighing on me more then him being over there in Afghanistan,” she said in a telephone interview with CNN. “I feel like he’s more protected in Afghanistan because of the armor he has.”

“The only time it gets to me is when I’m alone and it's dark outside,” says Carroll.

“I get nightmares,” he adds. “But I’m used to it by now … I wake up, look around, see all my friends here and say ‘Nevermind, it's not real, go back to sleep.'”

After their seven-day mission, Carroll and two other soldiers laugh and joke about girls, as they scarf down pizza, much like other American men in their early twenties.

But the trio is navigating the sprawling military city at Kandahar Air Field, dressed in combat fatigues, with machine guns slung over their shoulders.

Barely old enough to drink alcohol legally, these young soldiers are already veterans of battles both at home and abroad.

They have the physical and mental scars to prove it.

-CNN 10.05.2010.

Surprise! My Weekend Home

Liz's Bachelorette Party Saturday night in NYC
(From L to R: Melissa, Chrissie, me, Liz, Natalie, Kelly. Not pictured: Ludia, who had to leave at 4 am and was getting her one hour of sleep!)

Long before my trip to France, I had planned on coming home for a weekend in October for my friend Liz's bachelorette party- but I had to keep it on the downlow since we made it a surprise affair. Everything worked out perfectly, and I had a blast this weekend! (Along with the hangover from hell...)

I barely slept but every second was worth it. I flew into Newark at 1am on Saturday, and Erin picked me up. We went to the Edison Diner like old times before going back to her house. I can't remember the last time I slept in East Windsor, so it was nice. I was home again. After only five hours of sleep, we were up and out the door to meet up with my mom, sisters, and Shane's mom for lunch at La Piazza, an awesome restaurant in Allentown I used to always go growing up.

Courtesy of each of my moms bringing a bottle of wine, I had a lovely buzz going on after our couple hours of bonding and stuffing our faces. Shane's mom brought me to the Hamilton train station and I got pretty choked up on my hour ride into the city. Okay, okay, actually I all out cried like a total loser. It had been almost a year and a half since I had the pleasure of riding NJ transit into my beloved Manhattan. I missed the smell and the graffiti more than I care to admit.

I was in a cab soon after my arrival into Penn Station where I met up with Liz and the other bridesmaids. We began drinking immediately and got ready for the evening's festivities. From dinner to a drag show to a dance club to the final bar we ended up at- it was a fun night all around. I think it's safe to say parts of the night became blurry for all of us, as any successful night out in New York should be. I know Liz had an awesome time too which makes me happy. Now I have the wedding to look forward to in a few weeks!

After four hours of sleep, I woke up and made my way back to Penn and took the train into New Brunswick where my Dad picked me up by the Rutgers Bookstore. Ah, nostalgia at its finest.

Which reminds me! I vaguely recall meeting a girl in the bathroom of one of the places we were at who was a student at Rutgers living on Senior Street. That was so three years ago for me. Small world though!

Anyways, I spent Sunday at my Dad's playing off my hangover the best I could. My stepmom's father, "Papi," passed away a week ago, so I'm glad I was able to see "Nani" while I was home. I hugged her so tight. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like losing your husband after 55 years of marriage. Both of my grandmothers had to deal with watching their husbands go first too. Just awful. RIP Papi.

I was back on a plane I nearly missed at 6:30 pm and eventually made it to bed around 1am this morning.

So, it was a short but sweet weekend home, but I definitely made the most of it- family, friends, a great night out in NYC, a diner and a real bagel are totally worth my current state of exhaustion.

I have not spent a weekend in Killeen for an entire month now. Woohoo! And at least this weekend I have Austin City Limits to look forward to! I don't have my tickets yet, but I'm going to make it happen for sure. After all, The Gaslight Anthem is coming to town. Psh, like I'd miss that...

I'd like to finish this post by announcing that it is almost less than 100 days until the end of deployment. Thank fucking goodness, because I have been pretty insane lately over missing Shane.

So insane I don't even have an appetite just yet for the box of Entenmann's cookies my mom sent me back to Texas with. Hopefully tomorrow will be a different story.

Thanks to my family and friends who made this weekend an awesome one :-)

Thanks Mr. Flowers, Love Mrs. Gardiner

There has been one song I've been listening to a whole lot lately and wanted to share it on here. I downloaded the new Brandon Flowers solo album our last night in Paris, and absolutely fell in love with it. It's also the last song Shane and I listened to together at the airport.

I posted a live version, because that's more exciting. Check out the lyrics below. Sweet, I know.




"Hard Enough" by Brandon Flowers

You let me into your life on a whim
And there was magic and fire in the night
In loving I was just a little boy
I made mistakes that caused you so much pain
All I know is that I’m older now

Some people think that it’s best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned love
Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness
They tell themselves that they’re too young to settle down
Girl I promise you I’m older now

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it’s been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don’t you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It’s been hard enough on me

I wasn’t looking when we built these walls
Let me spread my dreams at your feet
Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise
Before my thoughts begin to run
I think I’m getting older now

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it’s been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don’t you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It’s been hard enough on me

Can’t stand the thought of another,talking to you sweet my dear
Where would I be tonight if you hadn’t held me here, in your arms?

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it’s been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don’t you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It’s been hard enough on me

Hate Mail

(Update: Shane’s unit moved bases while we were in Paris and the Army thought it would be a fun idea to start sending them on significantly longer missions. This means very limited contact and a very pissed off Melanie right now)


Dear Deployment,

I hate you.

Since R&R ended, you have reached a whole new level of suck. I have hardly heard from Shane since he got back to Afghanistan, and it is making life a little hard to handle these days.

For the eight months leading up to seeing Shane, I had my occasional funks. Who doesn’t? There have been many downs and lows where at times I thought I’d never get up, but I knew I had to keep going. I would hear from Shane every other day on average, and there would be some weeks that it would be almost every day. The funks never lasted very long, but I think this current one is looking to set a record.

Deployment, it has been a long time since you were this difficult. Since you felt this awful. Since you invaded my dreams and made it impossible to sleep. Since bourbon and coke seemed like the only answer some nights. I counted today and there are about 15 weeks left of you, which doesn’t seem all that bad. But when you take away Shane’s ability to contact me for many days at a time, it feels never-ending.

I can’t seem to cry anymore, I can only eat so much junk food, and there is only so much comfort in music and writing. I am losing my mind a little right now and I don’t know how to stop it from happening.

All I ask is that if you are going to suck this much and make it this shitty for me, that you balance it out by making it easy on Shane and making his job be as simple as possible. Because at the end of the day, if he is okay, so am I.

Thanks. I still hate you.

Love,

Melanie

The France Recap

For two weeks of 2010, I was genuinely happy and carefree. Being in France with Shane from Sept. 6th through the 20th was incredible in every way possible, from being able to hug and kiss at any time to getting lost on the streets of Paris to gorging on gouda. Lots of gouda.

Ah, where to begin. The first time we saw each other again, naturally.

Contrary to friends and family thinking he and I would both cry (more bets placed on me of course) at the sight of each other, such was not the case. As I walked into the arrival area, Shane was standing in the front of the crowd and all I could remember thinking was “Wow, this is it! That’s him!” The only way to really describe it is that it felt like I was seeing a celebrity. It felt unreal at first. Then it felt completely normal. We hugged, we kissed, we exchanged our money, we hopped into a cab. Ironically, “Born In the USA” was playing on the French radio.

We got to the place we were staying for the first eight nights, the New Orient Hotel. It was absolutely adorable, complete with a bottle of champagne waiting for us courtesy of Shane’s aunt. Needless to say, we didn’t leave the hotel until it was time for dinner. ;-)

That first night, we wandered the streets surrounding our hotel and ended up at a little Italian place where we each got pizza. Pizza! I can’t get a decent slice in Texas, but I can get an amazing personal size pizza thousands of miles away. Go figure.

The second day was Eiffel Tower Day. Also the day we snapped my favorite picture of the entire trip. (Ahem, see picture from last post or my current profile picture on facebook). We didn’t plan on seeing the Eiffel Tower that day, we just kind of started walking and eventually saw its peak and continued to follow it until we were at the base. Pretty fantastic.

Over the next few days, we hit up the tourist sights by day, and experienced Paris bars and clubs by night. In random order (because the details of France are blending into one giant cluster of AWESOME) we made it to the Catacombs, the Louvre, Notre Dame, the Arc de Triumph, the Invalidades, Sacre-Coeur Conciergerie, Pigalle (Paris’s red light district) Jardin de Luxembourg, and so much more.

At the Louvre

We usually made it out to start our day by 11am or noon, grabbed some poulet (chicken!) baguette sandwiches, and went exploring. We’d come back around 5-6pm and drink wine and eat cheese before finding a place to eat dinner.

At night, we went to a whole assortment of places. Among the notable were Harry’s New York Bar, a neat cocktail bar that sported banners of American schools on its walls. Unfortunately, I did not see a Rutgers one though. Anyway, at that place, we each had an absinthe cocktail and some other things I can’t recall. I don’t fully remember how that night ended. Must have been a good one.

One night we took a boat ride down the Seine River which provided an immaculate view of all of the city’s sights, most of which are illuminated at night. The Eiffel Tower sparkles on the hour every hour at night. It was absolutely beautiful. See what I mean?

Oh la la!

On the boat

Our night in Pigalle was amusing. Another not so clear evening, but nonetheless a fun one. Our night ended at some club where I remember hearing “Be My Lover” by the Spice Girls. Shane loved it and couldn’t stop singing to me.

Just kidding.

It was me singing.

That first week in Paris, I probably gained five pounds, not that I care. Between pizza, crepes, cheese, bread, poulet sandwiches, Indian, sushi, wine, crepes, quiche, chocolate, pastries, timtams, and whatever other random crap we decided we needed to consume, it was entirely worth every excessive calorie.

After eight nights in Paris, we hopped onto a train on the 14th and made our way to the French Riviera. The 5.5 hour ride was beautiful, going through the countryside, French alps, and eventually to the Riviera. We spent the time sharing the headphones to my mp3 player, talking, and napping.

Nice was nice, as I knew it would be. The second place we stayed, Hotel Gounod, was just four short blocks from the Mediterranean. We had just one good beach day, but that was good enough for us Jersey bred kids who hadn’t seen the ocean in more than a year. The beach in Nice (capital of the French Riviera) is made up of rocks rather than sand, which made for a fun walking experience into the water (not really). The people there were quite the sight. Men in speedos and women having the option to go topless made for the best people watching all trip. And hey, I can’t say I didn’t try out the French way of laying on the beach ;-) (Sorry Mom and Dad, I’ve got no shame!)

In Nice

We discovered a cool little hookah bar in Nice which had amazing mojitos. Mixed with mint hookah, it was a tasty time. On our third day in the Riviera, we took a train to Monaco, which was only a 20 minute ride away. It was absolutely picturesque, from the teal water to the floral landscaping virtually everywhere. Ferrari, Merecedes and Bentley logos lined the streets, while Shane and I appeared to be some of the youngest visitors to the place. The rich vibe had me worried that grabbing food would cost a fortune, but we found a little café by the harbor that we stayed at for the afternoon. A few mojitos later, we were a little tipsy and on our way back to Nice for another couple of nights. Ah, drinking mojitos in Monaco. Where’s the rewind button in life?

In Monaco, with the Monte Carlo Casino in the background

A night out in Nice

On Saturday the 18th, we were on a train again back to Paris. Shane fell asleep on my shoulder for about 20 minutes, but it was long enough for me to start thinking about how I’d have to say goodbye soon. I cried a little, but I blame it on Regina Spektor getting the best of me.

Our third hotel was by far my favorite. Located smack in the center of Paris a block from the Seine, Hotel Brittanique was adorably romantic. It was the perfect place to spend our last couple night together until Shane’s return. That night was our first actual serious miscommunication with the language barrier thing. Until our second to last night, the fact that neither of us spoke a lick of French didn’t seem to be a problem. Everyone we encountered spoke at least some English, save our waiter on this particular night at a French cafe. He knew enough English to say “No English” when we tried talking, so we went with pointing to things on the menu. Shane pointed at what he thought was some egg appetizer, but when a platter of assorted meats came out, it was clear this guy didn’t get it right. I think that night we experienced duck and liver. We’re still not sure, and I don’t think we ever want to know.

Our last day together, we just walked around a lot, buying an assortment of things and enjoying one another's company. I hardly slept that night, and immediately felt sick upon waking on the 20th. I held myself together until after we ate our final poulet sandwiches together at the airport. We started saying our goodbyes and giving each other pep talks and then I lost it. How could I get on a plane headed to Killeen having just spent two amazing weeks with Shane in France? It was hard. Not as hard as the first time back in January, but hard. Our final goodbye took place at the start of the security line. Shane stayed for most of the time I was stuck in the hour long line, standing about 20 meters or so behind me. We kept staring at each other, signing “I love you” as I continued to cry. And no, for anyone wondering, Shane did not cry. I have never seen him cry in fact. I’m hoping he does when he comes home for real though :-)

When Shane waved his final goodbye to me, I cried harder. I was slightly embarrassed that I was surrounded by people but my ultimate thought on the matter was “fuck these people.” I got onto the plane and fell asleep soon after takeoff. I awoke to my own snoring- you know, the kind where you let out a big, obnoxious “SNORT!” – throwing myself into consciousness again. I started laughing and turned to my side, looking for a Shane who would surely be on the verge of shitting himself with laughter. But no. I snap back to reality, and remember I am on a plane, moving further away from Shane by the second. (I neglected to mention that yes, I left Paris before Shane. He left a couple of days after. He spent the rest of his time shaving his crazy beard that formed in 2 weeks and catching up on sleep) Anyways, when the blunt reality hit me, my eyes began to well with tears just as the drink guy is standing to my side asking what I wanted. I somehow manage to hold back the growing lump in my throat and muster enough strength to say "diet coke, please.” I wanted off that plane so bad. I wanted it to turn around and fly me straight back into Shane’s arms. I was hurting bad. And I was only an hour into my flight at that point.

I survived the next nine hours, and eventually ended up back in Killeen that night, with Shane still in Paris. I was a mess, but a strong mess. It was comforting to know that it was the last time I'd have to say goodbye.

Soon after my return from my alternate reality which now already feels like a dream, I held onto the fact that there is only one more third of deployment to go. The final third. I think it’s something like 114 days until it was a year he left. That’s not awful, considering I started my countdown to France around this number of days.

So yes, France was amazing. My words and even my pictures don’t do it justice, but the memories will keep both me and him going. It was clear our love for each other has only grown and will continue to do so. France was totally worth the wait, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I will be saying the same thing 3.5 months from now when he returns home for good. Until then, I've got pictures such as this one to stare at!

Oy. Are we there yet? Almost!

Pics are up!

My apologies for being a crazy lady since I've been back. I've been playing catch up in all aspects of life, namely retraining my brain on how to cope with Shane going back to Afghanistan for another four months. Tonight I had time to either a.) Write the post I am longing to write or b.) Deal with the annoying facebook picture app and getting some of our France memories out there. I opted for the pictures tonight, because I'm sure the majority of you would prefer that. Plus, the pictures do a pretty good job of tell the story of our trip anyway.

The written summary is on its way, I swear. It is going to happen next week, because tomorrow I am going to be on a plane again, this time on my way to Denver for the first round of West playoffs for rugby. I am not finished unpacking France, and here I am going away again. I planned it this way though. I knew coming back to Killeen would suck and I'd need to get the hell out soon after my return. So hey, a weekend in Denver to tackle people? I'll take it!

Check out the pictures on facebook! They are a bit out of order, as it was hard to organize a total of 722 pictures spread between two memory cards, but I put up around 200 of the best ones! Enjoy, and I will be back in a few days...with a summary of both France and my rugby weekend!

I'd also like to say that Shane and I are an awesome pair, and I couldn't be happier with what I've got. This picture (my favorite!) speaks for itself-

I'm Back, sadly...

I had every intention of making my first post back be this giant summary of how amazing my 2 weeks with Shane was. But right now, at a little before 5 am my first day back (got in about 10 hours ago), I can't sleep and I am a mess. I imagine this is what coming down from some crazy drugs feels like. Waking up to an empty bed and the reminder that my little Parisian fairy tale is over feels almost as bad as the day he left. I do plan on a long, lovey and mushy few posts about our trip, but right now, I haven't got the energy. It won't be too long a wait though. I just need to shake this whole withdrawal thing...or at least wait for this stupid lump in my throat to disappear.

But yes, I will say that France was absolutely incredible. As expected, it already feels surreal. A little over 24 hours ago, I was in a hotel room with Shane's arms wrapped around me, admiring the view of the Eiffel Tower from our window. Now, I am alone and back in my little Texas room with only pictures of Shane to look at, wearing his favorite sweatshirt to feel close to him. Get the picture? I'm a bit of a wreck. Speaking of pictures, we have about 800 from our trip. Here's one random one to make this post somewhat exciting. I promise stories, descriptions, and many more pictures soon!

"See you in Paris"

"See you in Paris" are the last words I just heard from Shane. He just got his itinerary which, let me just say, is all too perfect. He arrives in Paris at 7:25 am. I get there 9:35 am. Flying from completely different parts of the world and getting there within two hours of each other? Fucking awesome.

And okay I'll admit it. In the half hour or so since Shane called, I've been a little shaky. I also have no appetite, which NEVER happens. And, my heart feels like it might beat out of my chest. I've got another 18 hours of this to gradually build more and more to the point of seeing Shane again.

Will I cry? Probably. I hope I'm at least able to speak and not be too ridiculous. I'll have a lovely 10 hour flight to replay the scene over in my head repeatedly (the same scene that has already had 7 months of playtime in my head), but I really have no clue how it's going to go until I'm in the moment. I'll put my bet on crying though. And blushing. A lot.

I think I'm all ready to go. My bags are packed, I have my "seeing Shane again" outfit picked out(a cute black/white dress of course), and I've never been more mentally prepared as I am now. I'm leaving here in a couple of hours for the airport. I can't wait to get on that damn plane.

Paris, here I come!

PS: Just a note for those of you reading along...Thank you for all of the support. I will be back in two weeks to pick up from here and fill you in on how everything goes, complete with pictures! Cheers!

So Much To Do, So Little Time!

I only managed to sleep five hours last night. I woke up to the sound of a text message from Shane about an hour ago, informing me that he was about to board his plane for Kuwait! Hooray! He is out of Afghanistan!

I am now up using the next 24 hours I've got to finish getting everything together. I have to put the finishing touches on my packing, run a bunch of errands, run a couple miles, load up my mp3 player and get my nails done! (Which by the way- I have not had BOTH a manicure and pedicure since senior prom...I think it's time) I think I'll go with a French?

Now everything gets a little crazy. How long will Shane be in Kuwait? Will he fly straight to Paris? Go to Germany first? By how many hours will he beat me there? What are the odds that I get there first? Everything is up in the air, quite literally. Shane will call me when he knows his itinerary. I think that'll be the the part that I really freak out. "Hey babe, I'll be in Paris at such and such time, see you there." Dah!

Okay! Off to get things done! Expect a post tomorrow before I fly!

(T-minus 27 hours)